Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
