I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
