we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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