yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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