ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is wine microwaveable?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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