I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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