Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
