you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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