THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
