where am i from again
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
