he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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