i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
