New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Drake has all the answers
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
