I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
