i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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