He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
