I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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