Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
