I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
