my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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