He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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