my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
