So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How external is "for external use only"?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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