I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The air was thick with penises
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
