An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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