i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
