I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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