can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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