he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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