You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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