3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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