If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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