You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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