i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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