dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
