is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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