I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
