Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
