if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
