They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
