so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
