Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
