Swine flu. Run for my life!
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My life is pants optional.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
