so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
