when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
