i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
