FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
