I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
