btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
