I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
