good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
